A WOMAN’S SECRET: PART 3
One word to husbands: Be brave.
Arguably, the greatest scene in “A Few Good Men” is when Lieutenant Kaffee questions Colonel Jessup on the witness stand. During Colonel Jessup’s tirade, he growls, “You need me on that wall.”
Our wives intuitively understand this. They need us husbands to be brave enough to climb on that wall. They rightly believe we have been charged with the duty to protect all aspects of our marriage and family. Those duties require intentional work and attention.
The wife knows if her husband chooses not to climb onto the wall in order to protect, she will need to take a position on the wall. She also knows it’s a position she shouldn’t have to assume. Let the nagging commence. Let the doors of the man-cave open so he can flee.
All the husband need do is man-up. How so? From Ephesians 5:25: “Husbands, love your wives…” The husband: “Done. I got this. You call this a challenge?”
But read further: “…just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her…”
Gulp.
However, the verse isn’t commanding the man to simply do whatever his wife wants. That’s a path down misery lane. It’s telling the man to look to her needs before he looks to his own needs and wants. Think of being on a sinking ship. She goes into the lifeboat first.
There are nuts and bolts to this. For example, unless I forget, I ask April in the morning what I can do to make her day easier. I’m not asking her what she wants because that’s not the important question. It’s important she knows I’m coming alongside her in a way which ups her chances for a good day.
Know her ‘worry buttons.’ We all have worry buttons. Some wise person calculated 80% of what we worry about never happens. That’s not the point. The point is for the husband to take the worry on his wife’s plate and put it on his plate. Some worries you can’t address or fix. But be willing to help her with the ones you can.
Practice good communication skills with her. Validate her opinions and thoughts. Heed the wisdom stated in Ephesians 4:29: “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for building up, according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.” Consistently give grace to your wife.
Avoid stacking fights. You say something, and she responds louder and angrier. You respond even angrier and louder. She responds angriest and loudest. You respond more angriest and more loudest. She responds most angriest and most loudest.
A stacking fight consists of nothing but rebuttals. “But you…”, followed by “but you…”, followed by “but you…”, — this can literally go on for days. Amazingly, some couples have had the same stacking fight for as long as they’ve been married.
The stacking fight results in three losers. Both the husband and wife lose. The third loser is the marriage. A stacking fight never ends well, never solves anything. Husband, have the wisdom to keep a fight in the calm arena. Trust in what Proverbs 15:1 teaches: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Returning to the topic of good communication, if you’re apart during the day, check in on her. If her day isn’t going well, ask her if there’s anything you can do to help. If she says ‘yes,’ listen to what she needs. Suppose the response she needs isn’t doable because she’s at home and you’re in the Antarctica herding penguins. Be thoughtful. When you get home, take a shower (herding penguins is smelly work) before drawing her close.
Always give her long hugs rather than patronizing short ones. Take those twelve inch biceps and wrap them around her and draw her close. Let her rest in your security. Don’t ruin it by speaking or breathing. Just let her rest. Do not, under any circumstances, pat her on the back and utter these four words: “It will be okay.” Pat her on the head? Do it and die.
Know her primary love language and exercise it. If she’s a words affirmation person, guard your words. If she’s a quality time person, plan time with her. Kudos to Dr. Gary Chapman for explaining the five love languages to us. Use them!
If you’re a husband, right now you’re smiling. You mean I don’t have to give up duck hunting, or watching a football game, or tinkering in my shop?
Truth is, if you succeed in re-awakening the ‘ezer’ within her, she will become your life-saver. You will become what she needs more than anything else. In return, she will become what you need more than anything else. Desire the marriage of all marriages. Go for it!
Only one path exists for a couple to get to Jesus’ ‘easy yoke’ of marriage. It can only begin when the husband dares to walk the same path of self-sacrifice Jesus walked.