Are you someone who gets angry at the drop of a hat? Was it your hat? Was it because the hat dropped on your toe? Is it because you wanted the hat to float in the air instead?
Are there people in your life who are extremely nervous around you? Especially when they reluctantly agree to go to dinner with you. They don’t want to witness you going all Tasmanian devil because Taco Bell doesn’t have the Baconator on its menu. Or you walked angrily out of the building because the head waiter at McDonald’s didn’t visit your table soon enough. I know—your worst nightmare, right?
Perhaps if you understand the root cause of anger, it might help you control your anger.
Typically, your anger arises when you have a goal blocked. For example, remember when you had the goal of having your diaper changed, and Mom was watching Dr. Phil? You kept screaming, hoping for a commercial at some point in the very near future.
When we have a goal blocked, rather than becoming as angry as ants fired up about having their busy day interrupted, we should analyze. The first step in our analysis is placing the goal in either the desire silo or the need silo.
A desire doesn’t need to be satisfied; however, a need requires satisfaction. In other words, a desire shouldn’t automatically ignite anger if it isn’t met. A need may require non-sinful, suitable anger in order for it to be met. For example, a baby wanting his diaper changed is a definite need. He simply needs to control himself and react in a non-sinful, suitable manner.
Healthy relationships hinge on our ability to work properly with our anger. This isn’t about the clumsy man who hits his thumb with a hammer and utters a cacophony of old swear words mingled with new swear word creations. His goal was not to hit his thumb. Not a need, but a desire. His goal failed, so he hates himself with swear words.
Hopefully, a husband and wife share the common goal of ministering to each other. Because they are both believers, they understand their truest security and significance is not found in each other, but in Christ. This is the foundation from which they launch their healthy marriage.
The husband is on his way home from work. He’s as hungry as a grizzly emerging from winter hibernation. He even telepaths messages ahead to his wife, and she better be accurate in reading his mind. He desires food as soon as he walks through the door. Alas, supper is not ready. His goal is blocked. Is it a desire or a need?
He will not collapse dead at the front door if he discovers his supper is not ready. Never in the history of marriage has that ever happened to any man. Once he realizes she hasn’t met a desire, rather than a need, he can conquer the temptation to be angry.
Instead of anger, he then makes the selfless decision to minister to his wife. He follows the command given to all husbands in Ephesians 5:25: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her…”.
First of all, isn’t it interesting we men have to be commanded to love our wives? What kind of people are we men anyway?
He can express ministering to his wife in multiple ways. He can wrap his strong arms around her, pulling her close and telling her he loves her because God commanded him to, according to Ephesians 5:25. Check that. He tells her he loves her because he simply does with all his heart.
If there are ‘mini-people’ running around screaming, he can round them up and arrange a rollicking game of “Who can stay silent the longest.” He can ask her if she needs help with fixing supper. The ministerial possibilities are endless.
You are a married couple. Would it be healthier for your marriage if you both learned to deal with your anger in a ministerial way? Or are you content to anxiously wait for the next stormy argument?