We’re all in agreement: The withholding of forgiveness does more damage to the one who withholds the forgiveness rather than the one who should receive the forgiveness.
The unforgiven typically moves on with his life, sometimes without even knowing he committed an offense. If he is aware of his offense and asks for forgiveness, but the unforgiving person refuses to forgive, the unforgiven person has done all he can to rectify the offense. Perhaps he’s sad, but with a shrug, he simply moves on. He can do no more.
The unforgiving person, though, lives in a cauldron of hate and bitterness. His insides boil in a continual state of seething anger. Just the mere mention of the offender’s name blurs his vision and causes the grinding of his teeth. He mutters epitaphs to the bare walls.
His anger turns towards his pet gerbil. His pet gerbil puts an ad in the newspaper for a new owner. A new owner shows up on the doorstep. The unforgiving person changes from tossing epitaphs to the bare wall to tossing them at the prospective new owner. The new owner runs for his Buick, weaving right and left to escape buckshot projectiles. Do you see how unforgiveness takes a life of its own?
Does the unforgiving person have any hope of a better path? Certainly, he does. It depends if he desires to minister or manipulate.
Manipulate? Of course. Withholding forgiveness is based on a desire to manipulate the person. In your bitterness, you want to force the offender to the lowest depth possible. You want him to feel the pain you feel. You want him to beg for forgiveness only so you can say ‘no’ and laugh in his face. You want utter punishment.
A decision to minister, despite your pain, would serve you better. Jesus describes the importance: “For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.” (Matthew 6:14-15)
A person commits an offending event against you. No punishing consequence follows. No justice is served. You have two choices.
You can lapse into resentment and use many actions to communicate your resentment. Whatever actions you use are all forms of manipulation. You want a contrite reaction from the person, and you assume your actions will do the trick. When they don’t work, the resentment and anger within you festers and grows like an inoperable cancer.
Your other choice is to make a selfless decision to minister. Obviously, the offending action caused displeasure to you. Maybe a tinge of bitterness finds its way into your heart. Certainly, disappointment has. You evaluate it all and correctly assess that your disappointment is warranted.
Because you know bitterness will lead to unfruitful manipulation, with zero hope of healing, you choose to minister to the offender. You think of ministerial actions you can help the offender with. Your focus is now about how you can help the offender. Possibly a tough road for you, but worth every step.
Wisdom comes to a person when he realizes his unwillingness to forgive provides nothing good. Instead, his stubborn unwillingness is comparable to hanging a heavy yoke around his neck. As he trudges through life, the heavy yoke grows heavier and heavier. It becomes a tiresome burden loaded with hate, anger, and bitterness. It becomes an obsession, even an addiction.
Jesus is our best example of a different path. He was falsely accused, horribly beaten almost to death, ridiculed and spat upon, forced to carry his cross, and finally crucified despite his innocence.
He had every ‘right’ to be angry with all His accusers. The injustice perpetrated upon Him gave Him the ‘right’ to demand justice. In the absence of justice, who could blame Him if He became filled with bitterness and hatred?
Yet, as He hangs on the cross, one of the last things He says is, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they’re doing.” (Luke 23:34)
The great irony is Jesus came to earth so we could gain forgiveness from Him. That’s the promise given in 1 John 1:9: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
Truly, in accepting His forgiveness, every Believer begins his walk on the path of the ‘easy yoke,’ which Jesus promises in Matthew 11:28-30. The heavy burden of sins has been wiped away forever.
Whether offender or the offended, forgiveness is the best medicine to offer anyone. Try it and see.